My father is disappearing, an ocean away, by stroke and then dementia. A Father’s Day letter about the long wait for him to see me, the gift of finally seeing him, and the gratitude I am left with.
Tears..& a deep, exhausted joy… because it could have been, in major points, the mirror image of my father & me. Except that there were a few blazing-brilliant-funny moments —as Alzheimers dissolved the deep reserve & life-long emotional restraint he held, & specifically— this is important— his deep belief in, & adherence to, non-violence to others, even in speech (a commendable ethic)…. During one visit, when he was getting a bit foggy about who I was, much less the detailed circumstances of my life, I told him that I was ending the very long problematic relationship I’d had with (Not his name, but let’s call him—) Andrew. When he still had his memory & reason, Dad had followed every difficult twist & turn with calm, rational support. I wasn’t sure he would now recall the name. But he surprised me (& my mother) by sitting bolt upright, eyes focussed & blazing with anger & he snapped “Andrew!!?? (Sic) Hasn’t anyone run over that fool yet!!??? If not, why not!” I just about fell over with startlement —& laughter—& I blurted “Oh Dad, I just love you to bits!!” I felt so primally protected & loved unconditionally - not for anything i’d accomplished, but just because he cared what was happening in my life. My mother & I chuckled about this, long after he slipped away peacefully at 95.
Ah, but there is more: a visitation just after he died which I still cannot explain - of a droll & witty energy which also carried deep, uncompromising protective love—& which manifested physically -you might say, poltergeist-wise- in my house, 3 times over a few days after he died.. & then was gone. (Details too complicated & tender/private; what remains in my heart & soul to this day the unconditional fierce protective love it expressed in a very direct way. Perhaps, ‘next time around’, I will be the one giving this protective support to him… For now, I hold him in my heart & just love. 🌿
Elayne, this is incredibly beautiful! I lost my father in my early 20's and it's only in the last few years that I realize that the love was always there, but never spoken. I talk to him--although not often enough you've just made me realize. I was raised in that strong and silent era, too. I've begun to open to my daughter and son in the last very few years and am sincerely committed to continue to open. Your article has given me so much inspiration to do so! Thank you!
My father was a man caught in the cycle. Abused by older siblings who passed it down. When confronted he said, "I would have had to have lost my mind to have done something like that. " And then he did.
And while the dementia claimed him, his mind had gone elsewhere long before that. In every episode of abuse, it was not the loving, innocent boy that I can see now. It was a man who had been taken over by a lineage of what preceded him.
There are good men who commit atrocious things. This is not to excuse that. There must be accountability.
And, it is a request that when we are able, we see beyond what they've done, peer into their eyes and see who they are at essence.
This, is how we begin to heal and shift the tides of this long lineage of lost boys and men.
Thank you, Kalila, for the depth and intimacy of your story. It touched me deeply and reminded me how much I love that man, despite everything. I can see beyond with a love and compassion that grows each day.
Thank you so much for this. My father also died with Alzheimer's. He had not known me for years by the time he passed, but I was able to understand long before he got sick that he did see who I was when no one else in my family did. We never spoke about it and he didn't act on it often, but when he did, it let me know he was with me as I went through my struggles. It made a huge difference for me during those years and I've always been grateful for that time.
Thank you so much for this, my father who lives 3000 miles away from me on the west coast is in the early stages of dementia. I so much appreciate the perspective and practice you are sharing here.
I think unfortunately that is a too common occurrence. I will likely be seeing that too. But not through my own eyes, rather it will be from the eyes of others.
Most beautiful, tender and heartfelt. Thank you. My Dad was much like yours, that generation, especially the Celtic men were taught to be stoic. He never understood who I was, or my choices, but true love was there, felt particularly strongly with connections after he passed.
So profound, this returning of the small you to yourself. And the experience of what was underneath all society’s limitations your Dad chose to wear… ahhhhh. The very things that made him magical are still there. Thank you for sharing this. I love it.
Beautiful. My dad died when I was 40 years old so I didn't have as much time with him. And he didn't experience a stroke or dementia. But my mom did. The stroke and then the dementia. I understand what that is like. We never got to the point where she didn't recognize us because she died suddenly of a brain bleed. She was 83. My heart is with you as you continue to navigate this. Such great Revelations for your younger self especially. 🩵
Thank you for these words. I need to go and spend some time contemplating them now as I feel a shift coming in the way I perceive and relate to my own “disappearing dads” (biological and stepdad) who both have now passed. Reading this has been a gift…
I'm going through exactly the same with my dad Elayne. He's had 4 strokes, his mobility is affected and his speech a little slurred, but the dementia has affected his memory. He laughs and says, "I don't know" when I ask him who I am. I genuinely don't know if he does and I don't press to find out.
Tears..& a deep, exhausted joy… because it could have been, in major points, the mirror image of my father & me. Except that there were a few blazing-brilliant-funny moments —as Alzheimers dissolved the deep reserve & life-long emotional restraint he held, & specifically— this is important— his deep belief in, & adherence to, non-violence to others, even in speech (a commendable ethic)…. During one visit, when he was getting a bit foggy about who I was, much less the detailed circumstances of my life, I told him that I was ending the very long problematic relationship I’d had with (Not his name, but let’s call him—) Andrew. When he still had his memory & reason, Dad had followed every difficult twist & turn with calm, rational support. I wasn’t sure he would now recall the name. But he surprised me (& my mother) by sitting bolt upright, eyes focussed & blazing with anger & he snapped “Andrew!!?? (Sic) Hasn’t anyone run over that fool yet!!??? If not, why not!” I just about fell over with startlement —& laughter—& I blurted “Oh Dad, I just love you to bits!!” I felt so primally protected & loved unconditionally - not for anything i’d accomplished, but just because he cared what was happening in my life. My mother & I chuckled about this, long after he slipped away peacefully at 95.
Ah, but there is more: a visitation just after he died which I still cannot explain - of a droll & witty energy which also carried deep, uncompromising protective love—& which manifested physically -you might say, poltergeist-wise- in my house, 3 times over a few days after he died.. & then was gone. (Details too complicated & tender/private; what remains in my heart & soul to this day the unconditional fierce protective love it expressed in a very direct way. Perhaps, ‘next time around’, I will be the one giving this protective support to him… For now, I hold him in my heart & just love. 🌿
Elayne, this is incredibly beautiful! I lost my father in my early 20's and it's only in the last few years that I realize that the love was always there, but never spoken. I talk to him--although not often enough you've just made me realize. I was raised in that strong and silent era, too. I've begun to open to my daughter and son in the last very few years and am sincerely committed to continue to open. Your article has given me so much inspiration to do so! Thank you!
My father was a man caught in the cycle. Abused by older siblings who passed it down. When confronted he said, "I would have had to have lost my mind to have done something like that. " And then he did.
And while the dementia claimed him, his mind had gone elsewhere long before that. In every episode of abuse, it was not the loving, innocent boy that I can see now. It was a man who had been taken over by a lineage of what preceded him.
There are good men who commit atrocious things. This is not to excuse that. There must be accountability.
And, it is a request that when we are able, we see beyond what they've done, peer into their eyes and see who they are at essence.
This, is how we begin to heal and shift the tides of this long lineage of lost boys and men.
Thank you, Kalila, for the depth and intimacy of your story. It touched me deeply and reminded me how much I love that man, despite everything. I can see beyond with a love and compassion that grows each day.
Beautiful
This is powerful beyond belief. It left me in tears.
Thank you for writing it.
Thank you so much for this. My father also died with Alzheimer's. He had not known me for years by the time he passed, but I was able to understand long before he got sick that he did see who I was when no one else in my family did. We never spoke about it and he didn't act on it often, but when he did, it let me know he was with me as I went through my struggles. It made a huge difference for me during those years and I've always been grateful for that time.
thank you for this.
Thank you so much for this, my father who lives 3000 miles away from me on the west coast is in the early stages of dementia. I so much appreciate the perspective and practice you are sharing here.
I think unfortunately that is a too common occurrence. I will likely be seeing that too. But not through my own eyes, rather it will be from the eyes of others.
Fingertips.
Most beautiful, tender and heartfelt. Thank you. My Dad was much like yours, that generation, especially the Celtic men were taught to be stoic. He never understood who I was, or my choices, but true love was there, felt particularly strongly with connections after he passed.
So profound, this returning of the small you to yourself. And the experience of what was underneath all society’s limitations your Dad chose to wear… ahhhhh. The very things that made him magical are still there. Thank you for sharing this. I love it.
Beautiful. My dad died when I was 40 years old so I didn't have as much time with him. And he didn't experience a stroke or dementia. But my mom did. The stroke and then the dementia. I understand what that is like. We never got to the point where she didn't recognize us because she died suddenly of a brain bleed. She was 83. My heart is with you as you continue to navigate this. Such great Revelations for your younger self especially. 🩵
I relate, and this is so exquisitely said. <3
Thank you for these words. I need to go and spend some time contemplating them now as I feel a shift coming in the way I perceive and relate to my own “disappearing dads” (biological and stepdad) who both have now passed. Reading this has been a gift…
I'm going through exactly the same with my dad Elayne. He's had 4 strokes, his mobility is affected and his speech a little slurred, but the dementia has affected his memory. He laughs and says, "I don't know" when I ask him who I am. I genuinely don't know if he does and I don't press to find out.
Thank you for sharing.