"The terror had not come back because my healing had failed. It had come because, for the first time in my life, there was nothing left to hold the floor of it down." ... I feel this so much...
I love how you name this without turning it into failure, pathology, or a cute little empowerment sticker. Sometimes the body doesn’t betray us. Sometimes it removes the scaffolding that helped us survive, because now the deeper thing is finally ready to be met.
Thank you for this. The terror of becoming your mother....yes that resonated....the astonishment that, despite the years of healing and mining the depths, there are yet still caverns and the abyss to traverse. I have never once been tempted to pacify with hormones but, despite the inner knowing that this is my path and I will be more powerful, wise and deep because of it.....sometimes the comparison with other women's effortless shining can be so painful.
Thank you so much for sharing this! I went through the exact same thing! The biggest dark night of my soul so far and the deepest healing and peace I ever experienced. Such a wild ride! When I faced this initiation, a door opened for me to the ancestral level, and I was invited to do some deep transgenerational healing. I realized that all that trauma didn't start with me, didn't even start with my mother and father but went back to 4 generations! I am still integrating all this... 🌷✨️
Oh this is so wonderful to find. I’m 34. My mother is 74. She has been on estrogen and Lorazepam since she was menopausal, which is around when my father died of Leukemia and she herself almost died of breast cancer.
Her mom did not touch her unless she was sick. Her mom came from so much alcoholism and sexual abuse within the family and fear. Fear of the body. My mom tried as a child, in vain, to make her mom be okay so she could be okay.
My mom did loads of work on herself. She did much better with me. She touched me and expressed love. But there was enmeshment. I felt responsible for her emotions. I was anorexic for a decade.
My mom is growing very confused, panicked, disoriented, imbalanced, due largely I think to the Benzodiazepines. It is excruciating to witness. I am at once compassionate for her terror because I know that very flavor in myself, and enraged with it for having sept into me, and angry at her for being incapable of dealing with it “better” and sorry for being angry. I feel her. See her. Know her in myself. That same part of me I struggle to embrace.
Thank you for your work it feels so real and supportive.
At the peak of perimenopause, I went back to my home land and parents. My mind wasn't organized to fit in modernity. I kept making mistakes with finances and itineraries. Was emotional, restless. Self judgmental. Feeling like a failure as I didn't follow the mainstream path. I did the night Google of ADHD and menopause. It that the answer? Am I neurodiverse? Is it hormonal?
My mom was/is also sick a lot. I didn't want to be like her. I'm glad I didn't have as much pain as her. She sees everything as biological or neurotransmitters - nothing is spiritual or trauma. So I tend to over focus on that. I like that your story included both östrogen and amygdala and Inanna and therapy and ritual.
Now I think my perimenopause symptoms were partly from missing sisters, village, rituals, mature elders. Maybe the ancestors played a role like in family constellations. Maybe the rape of my great grandmother still needs healing. Her two children who were put away at a home for underdeveloped kids.
Traditionally, what herbs and support did women use for this transition? It's not just a medical failure to stop moon time.
That is wonderful to hear my love. Yes I feel the same way that having it all named so that we can see what territory we are sailing through is so powerful <3
It seemed that my trauma reaction symptoms intensified as I entered perimenopause. I summoned the courage to leave an abusive marriage at that time, and thought the heart stopping fear was the result of all the changes. But then it also makes sense that my oestrogens were diminishing, and actually became the beginning of 36 years of “work” that has given me a newer, more useful, more joyous life. I love knowing that science played a role, and not merely circumstances. Like hitting a “bottom” from which place Surrender to the Unseen is possible.
Twenty five years ago I experienced this traumatic upheaval and figured it was somehow related to menopause. I searched for some link to the amygdala but as you pointed out there was little research. In my case, I forced this fear into a debilitating phobia. First it was bridges. Driving over a bridge sent me into a panic. Then driving itself became impossible. I never told anyone. I lived with it and then one day I completely broke down. Fortunately, I had met someone who listened - had no idea why a sane woman would break down in tears for no reason - but he listened. I can drive again. Not everywhere but it took years of quiet soul searching. Especially after my friend passed away. All of this is to say, it's so good to know I'm not crazy.
This is brilliant, tender, honest, hopeful. How wonderful to provide this supportive way to help women navigate these most unpredictable seas.
I wish there was such a thing 25 years ago. But I can attest that life on the other side can be pretty amazing. Better than you could imagine. Freedom leading to pleasure.
This is extraordinary.
"The terror had not come back because my healing had failed. It had come because, for the first time in my life, there was nothing left to hold the floor of it down." ... I feel this so much...
I love how you name this without turning it into failure, pathology, or a cute little empowerment sticker. Sometimes the body doesn’t betray us. Sometimes it removes the scaffolding that helped us survive, because now the deeper thing is finally ready to be met.
Rude of the body and sacred at the same time.
👏
Thank you for this. The terror of becoming your mother....yes that resonated....the astonishment that, despite the years of healing and mining the depths, there are yet still caverns and the abyss to traverse. I have never once been tempted to pacify with hormones but, despite the inner knowing that this is my path and I will be more powerful, wise and deep because of it.....sometimes the comparison with other women's effortless shining can be so painful.
Thank you so much for sharing this! I went through the exact same thing! The biggest dark night of my soul so far and the deepest healing and peace I ever experienced. Such a wild ride! When I faced this initiation, a door opened for me to the ancestral level, and I was invited to do some deep transgenerational healing. I realized that all that trauma didn't start with me, didn't even start with my mother and father but went back to 4 generations! I am still integrating all this... 🌷✨️
Oh this is so wonderful to find. I’m 34. My mother is 74. She has been on estrogen and Lorazepam since she was menopausal, which is around when my father died of Leukemia and she herself almost died of breast cancer.
Her mom did not touch her unless she was sick. Her mom came from so much alcoholism and sexual abuse within the family and fear. Fear of the body. My mom tried as a child, in vain, to make her mom be okay so she could be okay.
My mom did loads of work on herself. She did much better with me. She touched me and expressed love. But there was enmeshment. I felt responsible for her emotions. I was anorexic for a decade.
My mom is growing very confused, panicked, disoriented, imbalanced, due largely I think to the Benzodiazepines. It is excruciating to witness. I am at once compassionate for her terror because I know that very flavor in myself, and enraged with it for having sept into me, and angry at her for being incapable of dealing with it “better” and sorry for being angry. I feel her. See her. Know her in myself. That same part of me I struggle to embrace.
Thank you for your work it feels so real and supportive.
At the peak of perimenopause, I went back to my home land and parents. My mind wasn't organized to fit in modernity. I kept making mistakes with finances and itineraries. Was emotional, restless. Self judgmental. Feeling like a failure as I didn't follow the mainstream path. I did the night Google of ADHD and menopause. It that the answer? Am I neurodiverse? Is it hormonal?
My mom was/is also sick a lot. I didn't want to be like her. I'm glad I didn't have as much pain as her. She sees everything as biological or neurotransmitters - nothing is spiritual or trauma. So I tend to over focus on that. I like that your story included both östrogen and amygdala and Inanna and therapy and ritual.
Now I think my perimenopause symptoms were partly from missing sisters, village, rituals, mature elders. Maybe the ancestors played a role like in family constellations. Maybe the rape of my great grandmother still needs healing. Her two children who were put away at a home for underdeveloped kids.
Traditionally, what herbs and support did women use for this transition? It's not just a medical failure to stop moon time.
Thank you for your work.
Thank you , I am experiencing this and it is wonderful to have it named with compassion 🙏
That is wonderful to hear my love. Yes I feel the same way that having it all named so that we can see what territory we are sailing through is so powerful <3
Thank you, Elayne! This explains a whole lot for me. nora ann
I am so glad to hear this my love - I am curious what landed for you?
It seemed that my trauma reaction symptoms intensified as I entered perimenopause. I summoned the courage to leave an abusive marriage at that time, and thought the heart stopping fear was the result of all the changes. But then it also makes sense that my oestrogens were diminishing, and actually became the beginning of 36 years of “work” that has given me a newer, more useful, more joyous life. I love knowing that science played a role, and not merely circumstances. Like hitting a “bottom” from which place Surrender to the Unseen is possible.
Twenty five years ago I experienced this traumatic upheaval and figured it was somehow related to menopause. I searched for some link to the amygdala but as you pointed out there was little research. In my case, I forced this fear into a debilitating phobia. First it was bridges. Driving over a bridge sent me into a panic. Then driving itself became impossible. I never told anyone. I lived with it and then one day I completely broke down. Fortunately, I had met someone who listened - had no idea why a sane woman would break down in tears for no reason - but he listened. I can drive again. Not everywhere but it took years of quiet soul searching. Especially after my friend passed away. All of this is to say, it's so good to know I'm not crazy.
Thank you for sharing this deeply resonant essay.
As someone who is doing the work and nearing that perimenopause stage myself, the anger at the unexpected raveling is real.
For me, the undoing came with a new diagnosis of ADHD at 42.
ADHD is another way many women get missed when they're younger because they mask so well, until fluctuating hormones and life transitions say no more.
I echo many of your emotional responses and landed on grace, compassion, understanding. Which funny enough, has a way of pouring out to others.
This is brilliant, tender, honest, hopeful. How wonderful to provide this supportive way to help women navigate these most unpredictable seas.
I wish there was such a thing 25 years ago. But I can attest that life on the other side can be pretty amazing. Better than you could imagine. Freedom leading to pleasure.